August 1st , 2009
As I write this, I am sitting in the empty café. It's 2:30 and we've closed for the day. I'm waiting for Pippa to take a quick shower (she spilled a whole pitcher full of "Pants Off Lemonade" on herself) and then she is taking me clothes shopping.
I'm glad I grabbed my song journal (even though the last song I wrote was almost a year ago) when I was getting evicted from my apartment (and soooo glad also grabbed my iPod charger too!). I guess maybe I should get back to writing?!? Maybe someday, I'll look back at this and laugh and maybe someday I will make it big as a singer and this can go in my autobiography (or is it biography? I can never remember which is correct).
After the reporters left, I didn't know if I should cry or laugh. I felt like I was in one of those movies on Lifetime or on some hidden camera reality show. I mean, seriously, WTF? Is this all a joke? But hello, if it is a joke, it started over a year ago – and I might be naïve (because, you know, in junior high, my older brother Henry told me that Michael Jackson was NOT Janet Jackson's brother because Michael was white…which I insistently repeated to the whole 7th grade until Mr. Schott, the gym teacher, brought in his Thriller album- which, most of us had never even seen an actual record so my screwup kinda got forgotten about), but I really doubt that anyone is capable of pulling off a year long joke. Right?
It's hard to believe that this time, last year, my life kinda did turn into a movie when a rep. for Go Big Studios came up to me after I sang 3 songs ( I was drunk – celebrating my 21st birthday at a place called The Vintage – a band named Bare Knuckle Boxers was playing and I, full of Happy Hour beer and Happy Birthday shots of Jack Daniels – kept shouting "let me sing, let me sing" and so finally they did) and asked if I'd ever consider singing professionally. Like professionally. Like 'rock star' or 'pop star' status.
And then it was all big news – how a little nobody like me got picked from a small bar outside of Philly to be the next Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson.
Hello? I wondered if Go Big Studios realized I really was a nobody. Well, my family does own a large accounting firm and is well known in the little town of Nesquehoning – but I learned really fast when I left high school (where I was the first junior to ever be chosen for homecoming queen!) and went to college at Temple for a year that, hello!, I am NOBODY. I was nothing but a dorm number, or seat number, or school badge #. No one noticed if I ate corn chips for dinner or cared if I put a pink stripe in my hair or asked how my Granny Dottie was feeling after she fell down the steps and broke her hip.
And then when I didn't return to Temple after Christmas Break, I discovered that most of my friends were living their own lives in colleges that were far away, and they liked the fact that no one asked about their Grandma (or even knew who their Grandma was) and they liked the fact they could dye their hair and no one would flip out – or even notice!
I had no idea what I wanted to do with life. I mean, wtf? I can't decide between Frosted Flakes and Fruity Pebbles in the morning, so I just put them both in a bowl. I have over 1,000 songs on my iPod and bands that I was madly in love with 4 weeks ago, I could care less about today. Out of 1,000 songs, I think I only seriously like about 200.
Okay, yes, here's the thing. I've been writing songs since I was like, 11? It was actually an angry poem to the first boy I ever like (Steve) who said he liked me back but then made fun of me in front of ALL HIS FRIENDS when my bikini top fell off in the lake.
I wrote a poem. Henry found it in my notebook and made fun of me (just like rotten Steve) but then when he saw me crying (and it was the last time I ever cried over anything) – he took his guitar and turned my poem into a song.
And then Henry told me it was actually good. And Henry, who was 4 years older than me at the time, hated EVERYTHING. Our parents. School. Vegetables (actually, he hated any food that didn't list sugar as the first few ingredients). Going to church. Walking the dog. He didn't want CMP sundaes from Annies up in Jim Thorpe. He even said he hated Lengyels, the little restaurant we went to every Sunday for homemade pierogies and homemade holupki – he was totally lying – I found out later that what he really hated was that one of the waitresses was in his Algebra class and she'd turned him down when he asked her to go to a dance.
So when Henry, the Hater, turned my poem into a song and said it was 'actually good' – I bought little notebooks and stole pens from everywhere (banks, doctors offices, friends, teachers, parents) and wrote song after song after song.
The only person that knew about this was Grandma Dottie (and, of course, Henry). Everyone knew that I was good at singing – hello! I did hold the lead roles in 3 out of 4 of our school musicals – and NO – my father did NOT pay the drama teacher as some people who are obviously JEALOUS have said – but no one knew that, deep in my heart, I loved writing songs. And sometimes when the inspiration to write a song hit – even if I was out with my girlfriends, I'd say I had to go to the bathroom and write the song in a little notebook I kept hidden in my purse.
Henry went to college in California – UCLA – majored in marijuana (that's what my dad says, anyway) but when he graduated, he opened up a branch of the family accounting firm in California (Sacramento) and doesn't come home too often. I think it's because his accounting partner is really his partner – if you know what I mean. I'm sure he thinks mom and dad would flip out, but honestly, they still watch Rock Hudson movies, and they LOVED LOVED LOVED the show Will and Grace and still watch reruns, so I think they'd be totally cool with it.
I sang the songs I wrote to Grandma Dottie – using Henry's old guitar – and she always always told me that one day I'd be a famous singer. Usually, though, this was after she drank half a bottle of wine, and she was, afterall, my grandmother, and didn't grandmas say that sort of thing?
And then when Go Big Studio offered me a contract, it seemed everyone turned against me. My parents thought it was "suspicious" and asked "Since when did you want to be a singer? Is the family accounting business not good enough for you?"
My girlfriends stopped calling me, said I was ignoring THEM – but HELLO! Go Big had me in promotional meetings and marketing meetings and projection meetings and there were makeovers (and, by the way, the Go Big records hair stylist would totally DIE if he saw my hair now. Seriously? He might cry so hard he'd need to take off the pink scarf he always wears around his neck and blow his nose with it.) and meetings where they tried to teach me how to answer interview questions and then there were actual interviews with PEOPLE and US and OMG Rolling Stone. Which, to be honest, I wasn't really into, but when I met "Fast George" the DJ and he said he LOVED the Rolling Stone interview and that I was REALLY going places if Rolling Stone liked me - which, after reading the article, I wasn't too sure they liked me AT ALL – and here's the thing I was starting to learn – some people really do NOT like when good things happen to people.
All of a sudden – people you don't even KNOW are writing you emails saying how you don't deserve a recording contract – there are people that have been singing for YEARS and YEARS in crummy bars and high school parties and in church choirs and here comes someone with NO EXPERIENCE and what is FAIR about that? And then they tell you they hope you die and HA HA HA, they hope you fall flat on your face!
But what they didn't know – and what Go Big Studios didn't want me to ever tell anyone – was that I'd been writing and singing songs for years.
At my first big "meeting" at the Go Big office (they have the worst furniture – it's plastic- like sitting on fast food furniture – but they did not laugh when I mentioned that) – I excitedly told them that I was so thankful and guess what ! I've been writing songs since I was in like – 5th grade! They didn't want to hear any of my songs, they didn't care, and they said, "do not tell anyone that you are a songwriter!" and there were a-lot of sideway glances going on and I wondered if I had bits of bacon stuck in my teeth from the breakfast bagel I'd scarfed down on the cab ride to the meeting.
"I thought you said she knew nothing about music. I thought you said she was a music virgin!" Some bitchy looking lady with a BALD SPOT on top of her head said to Ronnie (the rep that made me the offer at the Vintage Pub).
Ronnie – who had SO MUCH hair he could cut off half of it to cover the angry lady's bald spot and still have plenty left over – got all red in the face and said he had no idea until now that I wrote my own songs – that I knew how to play guitar.
And after that day, I was forbidden to ever mention it again.
Grandma Dottie was not happy when I told her.
"Hadley, these people are trying to turn you into something you're not. As soon as you turn your back on what lies in your heart, your heart becomes empty and you spend the rest of your life trying to fill it with things that don't belong – until you become someone you don't recognize or love."
We were closing up the café I catch a reflection in the café windows; a waitress with bags under her eyes, a slouch in her shoulders' she looks like the whole world is against her with her awful red, red, red, short, uneven, hair.
Of course, I realize, that the reflection is me.
Someone I don't recognize. Someone I don't love.
For the first time since I was 11 years old, I start crying.
I just kept crying and crying and crying. It was the first real, true, honest, emotion I'd had in the last year.
There I stood, crying in the café. Crying in the café with a plate of chicken salad in one hand and a broken heart in the other.
It was like the line of some cheesy country song.
OMG. Was I turning into a country singer?
Could life get ANY WORSE?





